By Minim Calibre
Notes: Prompt from Tania “This is the job, without the diaries I am the nothing you made me.” AU after 4×16, Who Are You. PG gen.
“This is the job, without the diaries I am the nothing you made me.”
After the first month, she writes it all in code. The paper and crayons are supposed to be part of her “cure”, but they’ll take them away if they think she’s using them to cling to a delusion, and she can’t let that happen. They keep her sane. Not the way that’s intended, but then, she’s not crazy the way they think she is.
The code isn’t one they’ll ever be able to break–after all, it’s not like Watchers spend a lot of time hanging in Macy’s, and even if they did, it doesn’t mean anything to someone who’s not her. It’s a just a list of words: “Real Vellum”; “Black Honey”; “A Different Grape”. Memories of who she is, Color Me Beautiful style.
Cordelia would approve.
At night she shudders in skin that’s not hers and waits for the medication to wear off and the dreams to go away. It never does, and they never do.
They tell her she’s improving, that Faith is improving. She wonders if that’s true, if, back in Sunnydale, Faith is making her bed and flossing her teeth and living her life just like she would. There’s blood on her palms when she unclenches her fists. If they see it, they’ll call that backsliding, and up the dosage.
Buffy drags her sleeves down as far as they’ll go, picks up the Cornflower Blue, and writes:
Sebastian Potion No. 9
Hydrience Beach Beige
and thinks again of home.